Marriage is often portrayed as the ultimate goal, the fairytale ending. But after going through the journey of marriage, divorce, and motherhood, I’ve come to realize that the realities of love and commitment are much more complex. As a 43-year-old divorced woman with children, here’s what I wish I knew before I walked down the aisle—and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.
1. It’s Not Just About Love—It’s About Partnership
Love is essential, but a successful marriage requires more than passion and chemistry. Marriage is about building a partnership, rooted in trust, respect, and understanding. It’s about growing together and supporting each other’s dreams and goals. It’s not always easy, and there will be challenges, but a strong partnership can withstand the storms.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
2. Communication Is Key
One of the biggest mistakes I made was assuming my partner could read my mind. Effective communication is the backbone of a healthy marriage. Open, honest conversations are necessary for resolving conflicts and understanding each other’s needs. Whether it’s expressing frustrations or sharing joys, communication keeps the relationship strong and connected.
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” – Peter Drucker
3. Financial Compatibility Matters
Money issues are one of the top causes of stress in marriages. Before getting married, it’s crucial to have candid conversations about finances. From spending habits to saving plans, financial compatibility can make or break a relationship. It’s important to be on the same page about budgeting, saving, and handling debt. Misaligned finances can lead to constant conflict.
4. You Can’t Change People
When you get married, it’s tempting to think you can change your partner’s habits, quirks, or flaws. But I learned that people change only when they want to, not because you ask or demand it. Embrace your partner for who they are, not for who you hope they’ll become. Accepting differences and working around them is key to long-term happiness.
5. It’s Okay to Have Your Own Identity
While marriage is about partnership, it’s also important to maintain your own identity. Having personal interests, goals, and friendships outside of the marriage is healthy. It’s okay to prioritize self-care, pursue your career, and nurture your passions. You are an individual, and that individuality is something that should be celebrated, not suppressed.
6. Parenting Changes Everything
Having children changes the dynamic of a marriage. Suddenly, everything revolves around the kids—sleep schedules, school runs, and soccer practices. But it’s vital not to let your relationship take a backseat. Make time for each other, nurture your connection, and remember that your relationship as a couple is the foundation of your family’s well-being.
7. Divorce Isn’t the End of the World
Although divorce can feel like a failure, it’s not the end of your story. If the marriage isn’t working, and both partners have exhausted all efforts, leaving might be the best option for everyone involved. Divorce isn’t about quitting—it’s about recognizing when something is no longer serving you and taking steps toward a healthier future.
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost
8. You’ll Have Regrets, But They Don’t Define You
Looking back, I have regrets—about decisions made, words said, and actions taken. But I’ve also learned that regrets don’t define who I am. Every mistake is a learning opportunity that shapes the future. It’s okay to feel regret, but it’s important to use that as fuel for personal growth, not self-blame.
9. Self-Love Is Essential
Before you can truly love someone else, you need to love yourself. Self-love isn’t about arrogance or narcissism; it’s about acknowledging your worth and taking care of yourself—mentally, emotionally, and physically. The more you love yourself, the better partner you can be in a relationship.
10. Love Evolves Over Time
When I first got married, I thought love would always stay the same—the butterflies, the excitement, the passion. But love evolves. It matures, deepens, and transforms into something richer and more meaningful. While the initial spark may fade, love can become a powerful and lasting bond, full of trust, respect, and shared history.
Final Thoughts
Marriage is a journey, not a destination. I’ve learned these lessons through experience, and while I may not have known them before I got married, I’ve grown and become stronger because of them. As a mom and a woman who has lived through the ups and downs of marriage and divorce, my advice is this: trust your journey, embrace the lessons, and never stop learning.
“You don’t make progress by standing on the sidelines, whimpering and complaining. You make progress by implementing ideas.” – Shirley Chisholm
