I never thought I would admit this, but here it is: I was obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Not just the occasional curiosity we all feel, but full-on, energy-draining obsession.
I would check her social media constantly, scrolling through old pictures, trying to piece together their past relationship like it was some kind of mystery to be solved. Every new post she made felt like a direct attack on my self-worth. I imagined my boyfriend still thinking about her, still secretly adoring her, even though he reassured me he had moved on. The truth? I was more obsessed with her than he was.
This wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t fair to me, my boyfriend, or even to her—someone who was just living her life, unaware that I had made her my competition in a battle she wasn’t even part of.
If you’re stuck in this loop, I see you. And I want to share what helped me break free.
1. Recognize That It’s About You, Not Her
The obsession wasn’t really about her. It was about my insecurities, my fears of not being enough, and my need for validation. The moment I realized that, I stopped making her the enemy and started working on myself instead.
I had to ask myself some tough questions: Why do I feel threatened? What part of me feels unworthy? Instead of seeking answers by scrolling through her pictures, I started journaling, meditating, and engaging in self-reflection. The more I looked inward, the more I understood that my obsession was rooted in my self-perception, not in my boyfriend’s feelings toward her.
2. Unfollow, Mute, Block—Whatever You Need to Do
You don’t need to keep tabs on her life. It’s not yours to monitor. Mute her account, unfollow her, or block if necessary. It might feel extreme, but if seeing her updates triggers negative emotions, why subject yourself to that?
At first, I resisted this step. I told myself I just wanted to ‘stay aware’ or ‘understand who she is,’ but in reality, I was feeding an unhealthy cycle. Once I finally muted her, I felt an immediate sense of relief. Out of sight, out of mind became a reality for me. It wasn’t an overnight fix, but it helped me create distance from my toxic curiosity.
3. Talk to Your Boyfriend—But Don’t Expect Him to Fix It
I had countless conversations with my boyfriend about her, hoping for some magical reassurance that would make my feelings disappear. While his words helped, the real work had to come from me. No amount of “She means nothing to me” was going to change how I felt until I decided to let it go.
However, I did express my feelings to him honestly. I let him know that I was struggling, not because I didn’t trust him, but because I needed to work through my own insecurities. His patience and understanding made a huge difference, but at the end of the day, it was my responsibility to change my mindset.
4. Focus on Your Own Worth
I started shifting my energy towards myself—my goals, my passions, and my relationship. The more I built up my own self-esteem, the less I cared about what she was doing or who she was.
I found hobbies that excited me, I worked on my career, and I invested time in friendships that made me feel good about myself. Slowly, my focus turned inward, and my confidence grew. Instead of comparing myself to her, I started celebrating myself.
5. Remember That She’s Not a Threat
Just because your boyfriend had a past with her doesn’t mean he wants her back. People move on. And the more you fixate on the past, the less you enjoy the present.
I reminded myself that if my boyfriend wanted to be with her, he would be. The fact that he was with me spoke volumes. The moment I stopped placing unnecessary meaning on his past, I started appreciating our present.
6. Practice Gratitude for Your Relationship
One of the best things I did was shift my focus from what I feared to what I was grateful for. Instead of worrying about my boyfriend’s past, I started appreciating all the ways he showed me love in the present.
Each day, I wrote down three things I loved about our relationship. Whether it was a small gesture of kindness or a meaningful conversation, this simple practice helped me stay present and reminded me why I was in this relationship in the first place.
7. Seek Professional Help if Needed
If the obsession is affecting your mental health and daily life, don’t hesitate to seek therapy or professional guidance. Sometimes, unresolved trauma or deeper insecurities fuel obsessive thoughts, and a therapist can help you work through them in a healthy way.
For me, therapy was a game-changer. I learned to challenge my intrusive thoughts, reframe my beliefs, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. There’s no shame in seeking help—your peace of mind is worth it.
Final Thoughts
Overcoming this obsession wasn’t instant, but little by little, I stopped giving her space in my mind. Now, she’s just a person—not a rival, not a shadow hanging over my relationship.
If you’re struggling with this, be kind to yourself. You’re not crazy or irrational. You’re just human. And the good news? You have the power to free yourself from this cycle—starting today.
Your relationship is worth more than these intrusive thoughts, and most importantly, you are worth more than the anxiety they bring. Let go, focus on yourself, and watch how much lighter you feel.
